I have to agree with :devmonsueriaclauddebut: Your analogies are good and thought-out, but this piece is just one big jumble of words. First you're talking about pigeons and how they're somehow out to punish you for no reason. Then you're talking about being some sort of philosopher--there is a such thing as too many analogies, too. I'd think of one that covers all aspects of the message you're trying to achieve and develop that into its own entity, at least for that one paragraph. What's also confusing is how you say that you don't want to live forever, but you want to be the story that never ends. A story that never ends is one that comes up with too many subplots to count and becomes something of an immortal (for example, that InuYasha series. Went on forever..) I think you need clearer transitions throughout this piece; also, it's extremely fast-paced. I like quick and easy reads, but that was gone in the blink of an eye and didn't really leave me with any impact. Overall, this was a rant. I don't appreciate the cussing in it, either. I don't believe real poetry contains language like that, but that's just my personal opinion. (That, and you made a few spelling mistakes.) I hope this critique helps; I would love to see how you revise this, if you choose to do so.